


Angels And Vultures

by DeadMilitia



Category: Pierce the Veil
Genre: Break Up, Depression, Drinking, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of Suicide, Regret, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: Tony refuses to believe the people telling him he was drugged and raped. That doesn't happen to guys. What would Erin think if it was true? Surely she would leave him. Tony works hard to pretend and deny it ever happened, but it seems one person knows the full story of that night.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Idea Turnstile (jatty)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatty/gifts).



> This turned a lot darker than I originally intended.... Sorry.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I groaned and opened my eyes only to shut them instantly. The light in the room was too bright and my head was already pounding. And that beeping wasn't my alarm. It was a consistent "beep."

"Sorry, these monitors are so hard to hear out in the hallway sometimes." A woman's voice said. "Are you finally awake?" The overly cheery voice asked. It wasn't Erin so who was it.

"My head is killing me." I said, daring to open my eyes again. I squinted the best I could before snapping my eyes shut again.

"Let me turn the lights down more, that might help." The woman said. I heard footsteps and then the light behind my eye lids dimmed. I cracked open my left eye and found that the room was dimly lit and not painful anymore. I opened my eyes all the way, my vision slightly blurry. I blinked several times until the blond woman in front of me came completely into view. She was young and wearing a dark green shirt with things clipped to it and a remote thing hung around her neck. I was in a hospital. She's a nurse.

_What the hell?_

"Why am I here?" I asked, looking around. She was the only person in the room. I watched as she messed with a machine next to the bed before the beeping finally stopped.

"Do you remember anything about last night?" She asked, her tone gentle. I thought back to the last thing I remembered.

"I went out with my friend to the bar and we had a few drinks.... I don't remember anything else, at least not something that would put me here. What happened?" I asked, looking at her again. She had a sympathetic look on her face before giving me a small smile.

"I think it would be better for your doctor to explain. I'll page him and have him stop by shortly. Do you need anything else right now?"

"Can I have a drink?" I asked and she nodded.

"Of course, what do you want? I know we have water and juices up here. I can send someone down to get you something, too." She offered.

"I'll take juice, whatever is fine." I told her.

"Okay, I'll be back, alright?" She gave me another smile before leaving the room. I laid there and tried hard to remember anything that could have put me here. I remember Mike and I going to the bar, getting drinks, talking and laughing, then I remember feeling kinda weird and wanting to step outside for some fresh air. Then I couldn't remember anything else. Did I pass out outside and smack my head? Or did I get hit by a car or something?

It seemed like it took forever for the doctor to finally come in. The nurse had already brought me a few containers of apple juice and assured me that someone would be in soon. Of course the first thing he wanted to do was check me over and ask me what I could remember. After telling him what I could, he took a deep breath.

"Did you keep your drink where you could always see it?" That was a weird question.

"Yeah, I think so." I answered, furrowing my brow. What did that have to do with me being sick?

"Did you ever leave your drink, come back, and continue to drink it?" He asked, his eyes searching mine.

"When I went to the bathroom but my friend was at the bar, too." I explained, trying to read his expression. "What does that have to do with anything?" He sighed before answering.

"At some point during the night, your drink was spiked. You were drugged when you came in last night. You also had your pants undone. Now, we examined you when you got here and saw signs of penetration so we would like-" I cut him off.

"Signs of penetration? What are you saying?"" I asked, my heart was now pounding. I was sure I knew what he meant but I didn't want to believe it.

"We think someone raped you or at least tried to. We would like to do a rape kit but we need your permission."

"No," I almost instantly replied. "There's no way I was raped. I want to leave." I told him, causing him to sigh.

"Tony, I know you're feeling a lot of different emotions right now, but I really think you should have the kit done." I shook my head.

"No, I wasn't raped and nobody tried to either. I just drank too much or something." I knew I hadn't drank too much. I only had a couple of drinks, but there was no way someone drugged me and then tried to rape me.

"We can't help you unless you give us permission, Tony. We can't help catch whoever assaulted you without evidence."

"You're not doing anything to me. I wasn't drugged and nobody did anything to me. Now please do what you need to do so I can be discharged." I told him, feeling my chest tightening. Part of me knew that this doctor was telling me the truth. I didn't drink enough to be drunk and there was no way to explain my clothes being messed up. I knew something had happened but I didn't want to admit it. There was no way that kind of stuff could happen to me.

"Okay," the doctor said, looking disappointed as he left the room. As soon as the door was shut I could feel tears burning my eyes. I stared at the ceiling and tried so hard to remember the rest of the night. There had to be a good explanation for all of this. I couldn't have been sexually assaulted.

\----------------------

I was finally discharged and heading home with Erin. She asked questions but I didn't answer them. I just told her that I drank too much and hit my head. She knew I was lying but there was no way I was telling her I was drugged and sexually assaulted. What would she think if it was true? Would she not feel safe with me anymore because I couldn't even protect myself?

"Tony, I know something else happened besides you hitting your head. Please tell me what is going on?" Erin said as soon as we got home.

"I already told you what happened now just drop it." I snapped, seeing the slight hurt in her eyes. I had never raised my voice at her before. "I'm sorry," I said with a small sigh. I ran a hand over my bandaged head. It didn't happen. Nothing happened to me that night. I had no right to freak out on Erin when nothing happened.

"How about I make some hot chocolate?" She suggested, her happiness was fake and I hated that. I knew I had hurt her by snapping like that but I could always make it up to her.

"Sure, sounds great," I said with a smile. I leaned forward, placing a hand on her hip and pulled her towards me. I gave her a soft kiss on the lips before letting her go. "I love you."

"I love you, too." She said with a smile. I watched her go to the kitchen before sitting on the couch. The only other person I had been with that night was Mike and I hadn't seen him since. Vic and Jaime had come to the hospital but they said Mike was pretty upset and chose to stay away. That was really weird but I didn't question it. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Mike's number. It was instantly sent to voicemail.

"What the hell?" I whispered before trying again with the same result. "Dude, call me back. I need to talk to you." I hung up after that and waited. I wasn't sure why I expected him to call back right away, but it never happened. Erin came back with two mugs of hot chocolate. She handed one to me before sitting down beside me. I grabbed the remote and turned on Netflix. After finding a show we both liked, we settled back to watch it. I could feel Erin's eyes on me which made me feel irritated. I was fine, nothing happened that night. I was drunk and I fell after going outside. I kept repeating that to myself even though I knew it was lies. 

Later that night, we both decided it was time to go to bed. I was still really tired which the doctor said would happen from the pain meds I was prescribed and from the after effects of whatever was used that night. I chose to believe it was just my pain meds. I wasn't drugged so I wouldn't have after effects.

I pulled off my shirt and my jeans, grabbing my pajamas out of the top drawer.

"Tony?" I looked over my shoulder at Erin who was already on the bed. I hummed to let her know I was listening. "You have bruises all over you." She sounded horrified. I looked down to see what she meant. There were bruises on my arms that strangely looked hand shaped and I also had bruises on my hips and sides that also looked to be made by hands. I felt sick as stared at them.

Nothing happened, you were not assaulted. You're fine. I kept repeating it over and over in my head but it wasn't helping. If it didn't happen then where did these hand shaped bruises come from? I rushed out of the room and to the bathroom, feeling like I was going to throw up. I could hear Erin calling for me and following me. I shut and locked the door to keep her out of the bathroom.

It can't be true. I couldn't have been assaulted. Maybe people tried to grab me when I fell. Yeah, that had to be it. I felt like I was going to throw up any second. The idea of someone holding me down and... No, that didn't happen. Nothing happened that night. I had to get a hold of Mike to verify that nothing happened. I got drunk and fell, that's it. I wasn't raped.

\-----------------------

It had been two weeks since I had spoken to Mike. I couldn't get a hold of him and everyone said he was acting weird. It was really starting to freak me out. If I had just fallen he wouldn't be acting weird. He was acting like something terrible happened that night. I also could feel myself getting distant from Erin. She knew more happened than what I was telling and seemed upset that I wouldn't tell her. I knew she was just wanting to help with whatever was wrong, but I was not telling her what the doctor said. It didn't happen so she didn't need to know.

"Do you know what's up with Mike?" -Tony. I sent the text to Vic. If anyone knew why Mike was acting weird it would be him. I waited a few minutes but didn't get a reply. I figured he was just busy and would reply later. Just as I started to think about getting up and finding Erin, my phone vibrated.

"Can I come over? I think we need to talk." -Vic. My stomach dropped at that. My mind went through everything that could possibly be wrong.

"Sure, come on over." -Tony. I knew it would take at least twenty minutes for him to get here which gave my brain thirty minutes to come up with different things he would tell me. What if something happened to Mike that night, too? It would make sense with the way he's been acting. The long wait drove me crazy until I finally heard our door bell ring. I jumped up and ran to the front door to let Vic in. He looked exhausted and worried which didn't make me feel any better.

"What the hell is wrong? Why couldn't you just tell me over the phone?" I asked as soon as the door was shut. He wouldn't look me in the eyes and finally sighed.

"Can we sit down?" He motioned towards the livingroom. I nodded my head and led the way to the couch. After we were both seated, I stared at him expectantly. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt and seemed to be finding the words he wanted. He finally took a deep breath and turned towards me.

"I know you keep saying that nothing happened that night, but something did happen, Tony. Mike is a mess right now. All he told me... All he told me was that you were.... assaulted but he wouldn't say anything else. I asked several times if he knew for sure and he just broke down crying and told me he knew. I asked if he knew who did it and he just cried harder. He won't say anything else about it, just that you need help. He asks about you constantly and he's just a wreck right now." As I listened to Vic I felt like I was going to puke. Mike saw something. He knew I was assaulted. He saw what happened.

The realization that I couldn't deny it any longer fell on me like a ton of bricks. I was raped. I sat there and stared at the floor, feeling the tears building up and the nausea getting worse. I finally jumped up and ran to the bathroom, spilling whatever was inside me into the toilet. This couldn't be happening. There was no way I was raped. Guys aren't supposed to get raped. What was Erin going to think? No, she can never find out. She'll never feel safe with me knowing I couldn't even protect myself. Nobody can ever find out what happened.

"Vic, have you told anyone else?" I wheezed out, trying to catch my breath after vomitting.

"No," he replied from the doorway.

"Please don't, I don't want anyone else to know. Especially not Erin. You have to promise not to tell anyone." I said, looking over at him as I went to the faucet to rinse out my mouth.

"Alright, I promise," he said. "But you really should report it, Tony."

"It's already been reported and I refused to talk to the police or allow a kit to be done. There's nothing they can do." I pointed out. I honestly wouldn't have gone to the police even if I knew they could do something. I just wanted to forget this whole thing ever happened. I wanted everyone to forget it happened.

"Tony-" I cut him off by shoving past him.

"No, it can't be changed, they can't help, it's done. It's over and all I want to do is move on and forget it." I told him, going to the kitchen to grab a bottle of juice.

"I think Mike knows who did it." I froze at those words. Part of me wanted to know but the other part didn't. The room was too quiet as Vic waited for my response.

"Why do you think that?" I finally asked, my voice staying quiet.

"Because of the way he acts and the way he talks. I think he knows who it was but doesn't want to say." This time I felt angry. If I really was attacked then I had the right to at least know who attacked me.

"Is he at home?" I asked, screwing the cap back on my bottle.

"I don't think you should go over there." Vic warned.

"I don't care. If he knows who it was then I have a right to know as well." I pointed out, anger rising in my chest. Vic didn't say anything which made the anger worse. I finally shoved past him and towards the door.

"Tony, Mike is really upset right now and I don't think it would be a good idea for you to go over there." I wanted to say something but instead I just shook my head and left. If Mike knows something then I needed to talk to him. Vic caught up to me and grabbed my arm. "Let me talk to him first, Tony. I really don't think it's good for you to barge in and demand answers from him right now."

"I don't care. It's my fucking life that's been flipped over. I have a right to know whatever the hell he thinks he saw." I angrily pointed out. Vic sighed and looked away from me.

"At least let me be there." I shook my head no.

"I want to talk to him alone."

"Tony-" I cut him off.

"No, I want to talk to him alone. I can't...." I shook my head, not wanting to admit that I can't let people know what might have happened. Mike hadn't told Vic yet and I had to make sure he didn't. The last thing I needed was Mike blabbing whatever he saw to everyone. "Just please, go away." I begged before walking away.

\---------------------------

When I arrived at Mike's apartment, I paused at the door. Was I really ready for this? With a shaky hand, I knocked on the door. I didn't get a reply so I knocked again. Still nothing.

"Mike," I yelled, knocking louder. I could hear movement behind the door but it never opened. Was he really avoiding me? I tried the doorknob to find it unlocked. I pushed it open and walked in. It wasn't like it was unusual for us to let ourselves into each other's homes. The lights were on and there were blankets and pillows on the couch. "Mike?" I called out, walking towards his bedroom. I opened his bedroom door and found a lump under the blankets on the bed. I walked over and gently pulled the blankets back, Mike fighting me a little.

"Just go away," he desperately begged.

"Mike, I think you know as well as I do that we need to talk." I said, not expecting it to make him break down sobbing. "Mike? What happened?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. He only started crying harder. I sat there with him while he worked to calm down. It didn't seem like he was trying very hard to calm himself. I reached out to rub his shoulder but that only seemed to make things worse. "Come on, you need to pull yourself together, dude." I said, feeling slightly confused. If I really was attacked, then I should be the one curled up in bed crying, not Mike. Was whatever he saw really that bad? It made me feel sick to my stomach. Something bad must have happened for Mike to be reacting this way. "Mike, please tell me what you saw." That caused another wave of sobs which made me sigh. I was starting to think that I wouldn't get anything out of Mike, but then he started mumbling something. I looked down and concentrated on what he was saying.

"I'm sorry, Tony. I'm so sorry. I-I don't wh-why." He kept apologizing over and over through the sobs.

"Mike, you have no reason to apologize. Just tell me what happened. Tell me what you saw, that's all I want." I told him gently. I needed to know what was making him this way. It was really starting to scare me.

"No, I'm sorry. Please, you have to forgive me. I-I didn't mean...." Mike trailed off before breaking into more sobs. I was trying hard to be understanding and sympathetic to whatever Mike was currently feeling, but my patience was wearing thin.

"Mike, please stop and tell me what happened. I have a right to know if something happened to me!" I yelled, my patience getting away from me. Mike sobbed again before saying something.

"Y-You don't re-member?" I shook my head no.

"I don't remember anything, Mike. I remember the bar, I remember drinking, I remember parts of our conversation, and I remember going to the bathroom after I started feeling weird. I don't remember anything else and then I woke up in the hospital. According to Vic, you know something and I want to know what it is. What the hell happened last night?" I demanded to know.

"You were raped," Mike said before crying again.

"I think I would remember that. Now what actually happaned?" He cried a bit more before replying.

"You were drugged and raped, Tony." He said, sounding like he was trying hard to get it through to me.

"H-How could you know that?" I asked, avoiding his eyes. He was telling the truth and I could tell.

"B-Because..." He broke down sobbing again.

"Because what? What the hell happened?" I asked, my voice rising in volume. He only shook his head which made me let out an angry groan. "Mike, if something happened to me there then I have a right to know about it. You obviously know something and I swear to god that if you don't start talking I'm going to-" he cut me off with a small whisper that I didn't catch.

"What?" I asked, wanting to hear whatever he whispered. He cried a bit more before saying it again.

"It was me," he whispered again. I stared at him in confusion, trying to figure out what he meant.

"What?" I asked again, getting slightly irritated.

"It was me!" He shouted, sitting up to face me. "I raped you!" The silence that fell over the room after that was horrible. I stared at him in shock. There was no way it was true. Why would Mike do that? But then again, why would he lie about it?

"Wh-What?" I whispered, my breathing picking up as his words sank in. He broke down crying again. My shock turned to anger and I jumped up from the bed. "You fucking.... Why would you..... What the fucking hell, Mike?" I basically screamed the last part, tears filling my eyes. There was no way he was telling the truth. Mike wouldn't do that. Why would he even want to?

"Why would you fucking lie to me about that?" I yelled, glaring down at him.

"I'm n-not lying. I'm so sorry, Tony. I don't know why I did it. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating his apologies over and over, sobbing the whole time. He buried his face back into the pillow under his head. I felt the anger boiling down again and turning into sobs of my own. I turned to leave, storming towards the door. He was lying. He had to be. I heard Mike get up from behind me.

"Tony, wait, please!" He begged, coming up and grabbing my arm. I yanked my arm away from him.

"No, why would you fucking lie like that? You're fucking straight, Mike! Why the hell would you...." I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"I don't know. I'm so sorry, Tony." He hiccupped and sniffled, grabbing for my arm again. I backed up, not wanting to be close to him anymore. "Please, Tony, I'm sorry. I-I've had these thoughts for a while and I don't know w-why. I don't know why I didn't it."

"You really did it?" I asked and he only broke down sobbing again. "You fucking bastard!" I yelled and before I knew what I was doing, I punched him. He cried out in surprise and pain, reaching up to grab his face. I stormed out of his apartment and to my car. Why would he do that? I didn't get far before I had to pull over and get myself under control. I was crying too much to drive and I couldn't focus. My whole body was shaking and I felt like I was going to be sick. Mike and I had been friends for years. He's straight! What would make him do something like that?

The more I thought about it, the sicker I got until I was pushing the car door open to puke on the ground. This couldn't be happening. What would Erin think if she ever found out? What would Vic think? They would think I'm lying. Why would my straight friend drug and rape me in a bar bathroom? Erin would probably think I cheated on her and was making up a story to keep her around.

I didn't feel like going back to the apartment where people could find me. I slammed my car door shut and pulled back out on to the road. I tried hard to control my crying as I made my way to the liqour store. Once there, I took a few minutes to calm myself. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time someone came in looking distraught and wanting to forget. After I stopped crying and cleaned myself up the best I could, I grabbed my keys and headed inside. The woman behind the counter greeted me and I forced the best smile I could. I walked around the store to see what they had before deciding on two bottles of Smirnoff and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I grabbed my stuff and went to the check out. The woman looked up at me and I dropped my gaze to the floor. She seemed hesitant to scan the bottles but finally did. After I paid her, I grabbed the bag with the bottles in it and left. I started the car and decided to drive somewhere more secluded. I pulled into the parking-lot of an abandoned warehouse downtown. I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and began drinking it.

How was any of this possible? I couldn't press charges against Mike, it just didn't right. He was my best friend. Which I guess that's over now. I wasn't feeling anything specific towards him. I was mad but not furious and I wasn't afraid of him. He would have to have something really wrong going on in his head to do something like that. Maybe it's because I don't remember anything? Had I known what was happening, I might have a lot of strong feelings towards Mike. Right now, he was the least of my concerns. Erin was the main thing on my mind. Secrets are only kept for so long. Eventually she'll find out and she'll dump me over it.

My phone alerted me a new text and then a few more. I tried to ignore them, figuring it was Vic or Erin wanting to know where I am and if I'm okay. After a few more texts, I finally pulled my phone out and checked. They were all from Mike. He was apologizing and begging me to forgive him, claiming he didn't know why he did it, asking if I was going to report him, begging me not to press charges. That sparked a new wave of rage in me and I hit reply.

 **"Fuck off. What I chose to do is my own decision." -Tony.** I hit send and then waited to see if he would reply. I wasn't going to press charges, I already knew that, but I had this desire to hurt him. Whether I remember him doing it or not, I was definitely feeling hurt right now. I know it's a low blow, to try to make someone feel as bad as you do, but it oddly helps. After he started texting me and begging me not to press charges and telling me that he would never talk to me or be around me again if I promise not to report him. I didn't reply. I decided to let him sweat for a while. He deserves it.

\----------------------------------

I woke up to someone pounding their fist on my front door and yelling my name. I wasn't entirely sure how I made it home last night. I really hope I didn't drive home drunk but that was definitely what it was looking like.

"Tony!" I heard the person yell again, the pounding still happening. I groaned and rolled off of the couch. I was still dressed and in my sleepy daze, I kicked over one of the bottles of Smirnoff, spilling whatever was left on to the floor.

"Shit," I mumbled, grabbing the bottle to set it up right. "I'm coming!" I yelled in irritation. I opened the door and Vic pushed past me. He looked around the room and looked me up and down.

"No wonder you wouldn't answer your damn phone." He fumed. It looked like he had been crying and like he hadn't slept.

"What do you want?" I asked, not caring about being rude. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed.

"You would know if you hadn't gotten fucking drunk and would have answered your fucking phone!" Vic said, tears welling up in his eyes. He looked around before going over and grabbing my phone from the coffee table. He handed it to me and I unlocked it with a yawn. I saw I still had my conversation with Mike open which had turned into a fight at some point during the night. I also had texts and missed calls from Vic and Jaime. I looked up to see him wiping away tears. I looked back at the texts, starting at the oldest. The farther I read, the more sick I felt.

**"Tony, what the hell happened?" - 12:18am.**

**"Answer your fucking phone! This is serious!" -12:54am.** /

**"Oh my god! Tony, please tell me what happened! I'm at the hospital with Mike. It's not good." -1:10am.**

**"Answer your damn phone! Jaime is here and I want you to come, too. I don't know what happened or what is going on. Please tell me." - 1:32am.** Then there was a long gap of time before Jaime had texted me.

**"Tried calling you, where are you? I really don't want to tell you this over text." - Jaime, 3:48am.**

"Dude, please answer your phone. Vic is a mess." - Jaime, 4:21am.

That was the last text. I looked up at Vic to see him full on crying now.

"What-" I choked on my words a little. "What happened?" I asked, afraid of the answer. I was worried I already knew the answer.

"He's dead, Tony. Mike fucking shot himself after you went and saw him! What the hell did you do?" Vic yelled, sobbing hard. My mouth hung open and I stared at him in shock.

"He.... he what?" I asked, not being able to comprehend the news. There was no way he shot himself. Why would he? I grabbed my phone and was going to look through the texts from Mike but Vic took the phone out of my hand.

"He fucking killed himself last night! You're the last person who saw or talked to him! What the hell did you say!" I watched as he read through the texts. He finally looked up at me, all anger was gone from his eyes, replaced with confusion and sadness. "He.... Why would he do that?" Vic asked, looking back down at the phone.

"I don't know. I wasn't really going to press charges. I-I was just angry and hurt last night and I got drunk. Oh my god," I collapsed on to the couch, my owns tears leaking out now. Mike's dead. He killed himself because of me. Why did I think messing with him was a good idea? "I'm so sorry, Vic." I said, breaking down into sobs and wishing I could go back and change what happened. I never meant to cause Mike to kill himself. I should have told him I wasn't pressing charges. I should have handled it differently. Vic only shook his head, his own sobs preventing him from speaking. He kept rereading the texts.

"Did he really-" Vic cut himself off, motioning to the phone.

"I d-don't know. I don't remember. He told me he dr-drugged me." I explained, not knowing what information was in the texts since I don't remember them.

"Oh my god," Vic said, sitting down beside me. I watched as he reread the texts again. "Why would he do something like that?"

"I don't know," I replied. Suddenly the anger from before returned to Vic and he stood up.

"You fucking knew he was unstable last night and you didn't tell me? I could have gone a stayed with him! Instead you fucking let him die!" Vic yelled. He threw my phone at me, causing it to hit my chest, and then stormed out of the apartment. I picked up the phone and read through the texts. It was a lot of me being mad at Mike for what he did, him confessing things to me, him apologizing, and the last text was one I sent that said I never wanted to hear from him again. That text was sent at 11:53pm. Mike may have been the one who pulled the trigger, but I was the one who pushed him to do it.

I stared at that last text in shock. Vic was right. I let Mike die. I pushed Mike to do it. This whole thing was my fault. I felt angry at myself and ended up throwing my phone as hard as I could. It made contact with the TV screen, creating a horrible cracking noise as both devices broke. I broke down sobbing again. I killed Mike. This was all my fault.

\----------------------------------

Jaime had kept me updated on Mike's funeral. He kept asking what was going on between Vic and I. Vic hadn't spoken to me since the morning he was at my apartment. I looked down at my phone -which I ended up having to replace after throwing my old one into the TV- and saw that it was noon. Jaime told me that they were going to the cemetery at noon to bury Mike. He wanted me to at least come there since I wasn't going to the funeral. I couldn't face Mike's family though. Whether Vic told them what happened or not didn't matter. I knew what happened and I couldn't stand it.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Erin asked from the doorway. I shook my head no. I could tell it was a matter of time before I lost Erin. I hadn't paid much attention to her lately. I hadn't really done anything lately except lay in bed. As soon as Erin found out the truth, she would leave. It was probably best to get it over with.

"Erin," I called as she turned to leave. She stopped and turned back around to me.

"Yeah?" She asked, seeming excited that I finally talked to her.

"We need to talk," I told her. Her expression fell after that, her eyes searched mine for any hint of what this was about. She finally walked towards me and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Okay," she said, reaching out to take my hand. I allowed her to hold it even though I knew she was going to be disgusted with me in a few minutes. I felt tears building up in my eyes and I thought about how to tell her.

"It's my fault that Mike's dead." I said quietly, giving her hand a small squeeze. I didn't want to lose her but had already accepted that it was going to happen.

"What do you mean?" She asked, searching my eyes again. I took a deep breath. It was better this way.

"Mike.... Mike r-raped me at that bar and we got into a fight. I pushed him to killing himself." I explained, watching the shock and confusion on her face. It looked like she was thinking it over and trying to understand.

"He... raped you?" She asked, sounding shocked. I only nodded. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about that part of it. I didn't feel anything except hurt. I was hurt that Mike would do that to me. I didn't feel anything physically, there were no signs that it actually happened. I don't have any memory of it so I have no mental images plaguing me.

"And you yelled at him? How does that it make it your fault?" She asked, making me scoff.

"I told him I never wanted to hear from him again and then he fucking shot himself! It was my fault!" I yelled, tears sliding down my cheeks. She seemed to think over what she wanted to say next.

"Tony, you were raped. You have the right to be mad at him and not wanting to be around your attacker ever again is normal. You didn't know he would do it. It's not your fault." She said, seeming unsure how to handle this. For most people, it's the man comforting his girlfriend after being raped. It probably was weird for a girl to have to comfort her boyfriend after he was raped.

"Erin, this isn't supposed to happen to guys. If I let this happen to me then how am I going to ever protect you? Or what if we end up with a kid together? How would I protect them if I can't even protect myself?" I asked, the tears coming more frequently.

"You do a great job at protecting me and you'll be a great dad." She told me. "These things happen and you can't control them. Have you thought about counseling or anything?" She asked carefully.

"I'm not going to counseling. You don't fucking get it! I killed Mike!" I shouted, reaching up to wipe away some of the tears.

"You didn't kill him, Tony. You had every right to get mad at him. It was his choice." She said, making me shake my head.

"That doesn't change or justify what I said to him. What I said was what made him do it." I explained.

"You're just feeling a lot of emotions right now and guilt is one of them. That's normal," she told me, squeezing my hand again. "You can't keep blaming yourself for his choices." I pulled my hand away from her.

"I allowed him to rape me and then I pushed him to commit suicide. This whole thing is my fault." I mumbled the last part. She reached out to touch me again but I moved away from her.

"It's not your-" I cut her off.

"Just forget it," I mumbled.

"What?" She asked, sounding a bit surprised.

"I said forget it. I shouldn't have told you." I said, earning a shocked look. She started to say something else but I stopped her. "Just go." She sat there for a moment later before finally standing up and leaving. It wasn't long before I heard the front door shut. I had expected her to get mad and break up with me, not try to help. Now it just puts a lot on her because she doesn't know how to handle this. I knew this ruined the relationship anyway. She wasn't going to put up with me for very long.

\---------------------------

It had been three weeks since Mike killed himself. I had barely talked to Erin and finally texted her and told her it was okay if she didn't want to be together anymore, I understand. She replied and said we both needed time to figure things out and that she still loves me. I never replied and she hasn't texted me since. Vic ended up telling Jaime what happened who then wanted to question me. I hadn't talked to either one lately.

I was currently sitting at Mike's grave with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand. I had been sitting here staring at his tombstone and thinking. I had looked into counseling but never went. I couldn't help but wonder if things would turn out this way had I not gotten drunk and texted Mike. Would he had recovered and moved on? Or would he end up six feet under anyway? Thinking back to how he was acting made me think this would have been the outcome no matter what.

His tombstone was covered in flowers and little figurines. Part of me wondered what those people would think if they knew what happened, what Mike had done, what I did. Would it change their opinion on him? I didn't feel that it was my place to ruin his reputation. What happened is over. Mike is gone and I'm coping in my own way with my personal therapist, Jack Daniels. Who cares if it isn't the right way to handle it. For now, it seems pretty right to me.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was my crappy oneshot that took like a month to write! I hope you still enjoyed it. And I'm really pushing my time here and I have a busy few days ahead of me, so I did a horrible editing job on this. If I screwed up a ton, please tell me and I'll try to go back and edit it later. This is literally the only thing I've gotten done today and now I have two and half hours to get everything else I should have already been doing done and then I have a photography job tonight. Why did I spend all day writing fanfiction?


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